for the waters are come in unto my soul
by EllisBelle
Summary: The act of drowning takes practice. Iris Crowe had spent years perfecting the technique. (JustinIris)


The Fine Print: DK and HBO, the lucky little devils, own Carnivale and my beloved Justin and Iris. If I owned them they would have a much better time.

_Note: The song lyrics are from a gypsy (tzigan) song called "Dark Eyes." The words are by E. Grebenka._

**for the waters are come in unto my soul**

**by Ellisbelle**

"Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul. I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God." Psalm 69:1-3

The act of drowning takes practice.

It seems like a simple task, to let the water swallow you even as you swallow the water. However, the paradox of the experience is confusing to the senses. You are weightless and freeyet surrounded and oppressed at the same time. Most people never recover from the act.

Iris Crowe had spent years perfecting the technique.

Naked, she slid down into the warm water, sighing as it enveloped her. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation of the water rocking against her bare skin. Let herself get lost for a moment imagining that it was his hands and his mouth caressing her, his tongue brushing along the side of her breast, his fingers sliding between her legs, Alexsei moving inside her.

It had been so long since they had been together. Months, almost a year, since they had made love—since he had surprised her in the kitchen one afternoon, biting at her neck, running his hands up her thighs and lifting her to the table—they had almost been late for his sermon that evening.

So much had changed within a year.

She rested her arms along the rim of the tub and waited for the cold to creep into the water and find her.

The first time she drowned, she should have died.

Everyone else died in the river that night—the conductor, the pretty German woman and her new husband, the old woman and her little dog that had snapped at Justin's hand when he tried to pet it, the little girl with the pink ribbons—Mama. Even Irina and Alexsei. Only Iris had survived. And Justin.

Her life as she understood it washed away as she was pulled helplessly under the freezing water of the river, away from her mother and from Alexsei, falling endlessly into the black, deeper and deeper into the darkness, yet so slowly that it was almost pleasant, cradled and rocked like in a mother's arms. The sounds of the wreck above were suddenly gone, the horrible tearing of metal and the strangled, pleading screams of the passengers, replaced by still silence.

Then from the silence she heard her mother. As she floated down, she could hear her singing, verse after verse of a strange old song, a lullaby that Irina had grown too old for. _ Dark eyes, ardent eyes / Flaming and beautiful eyes / I love you so, I fear you so / For sure I've seen you at a sinister hour_>>Irina strained her eyes open in the darkness, looking for her mother, flailing out her arms trying to catch hold of her, to reach out and touch her mother's familiar face leaning down above her in the dark, just like she did in the shadows of her bedroom at home when she woke up from another nightmare._ But I'm not mourning, I'm not sad / I find comfort in my destiny / All of the best that God gave us in life / For the burning eyes, I sacrificed>> _She imagined herself in her mother's arms, held close, the smell of the rose water Mama used, tickling at her nose, her fingers running over the smooth silk sleeve of her dressing gown_. so often I dream about a happiness so near>>_

She was falling asleep, lulled, forgetting even the burning spreading out from her lungs to the rest of body, as her mother reached the end of the song, and the sound of her voice faded into nothing, just peaceful silence.

His hand closed around hers, the familiar fingers of his small hand lacing through hers as they had a thousand times before—waking her, ripping her from her dream. Alexsei. The need to take a breath overwhelmed her. The coming minutes blurredstruggling, breaking the surface, the cold night air pricking into her skin like tiny needles, crawling ashore, fainting from exhaustion still clinging tightly to his hand.

She had never been able to make it to the end of the song again.

Iris squeezed her eyes shut and bit her lip at the memory. She slid down into the water, drawing her legs in close to her. She laid her head against the cold porcelain, until the water lapped against the side of her face. And waited.

She had played this game since childhood.

At twelve Iris was too old to be helped as she bathed. Rose had poured the warm water into the metal tub and laid out a towel and nightgown for her before leaving to tend to Justin. The warmth from the nearby stove did little to cut the chill in the air as Iris slipped out of her clothes and stood staring down into the bathwater. Her skin turned to gooseflesh and she shivered. She stepped cautiously into the water and then flopped down with a splash.

She scrubbed her skin until it turned a light pink, humming to herself unconsciously as she often did. It took her a moment to realize what she had started to hum, that the song was coming from her. She sat, frozen; then she looked around the empty room almost expecting to see someone else, smiling softly at her.

She knew the tune she had been humming well, had heard it often at home. Mama's lullaby._ Darker than depth you are, not in vain / I see you mourning for my soul>>_ The words came unbidden to her mind, just like they had that night at the river. She was surprised that she still remembered them. She'd only heard them once before the river. Her mother had hummed the song as usual sitting on the side of Irina's bed until she thought she had fallen asleep. But Irina was only faking and when she heard her mother start to sing the haunting words, she listened enrapt, knowing that they were important somehow even if she didn't understand all of them. That night a man with dark eyes had haunted her dreams.

Iris didn't notice as the water quickly became lukewarm then cold. Only when her teeth started to chatter was she pulled back from her thoughts of home and back into Norman and Rose's kitchen.

She felt the loss and anger welling up inside of her again—Mama was dead and Father had caused it, she was sure. She suddenly felt more alone than she ever had before. Even though she was twelve and too old for such things, she cried for her mother. Why hadn't she died too?

Alexsei—she had to take care of Alexsei. She had promised—had promised her mother countless times since they left Russia—and she had reluctantly promised the man in her dreams. The promise now seemed too heavy for her. Even if she was twelve.

She slid down into the cold water, letting her head float, so that just her face hovered above the surface. Taking an exaggerated gulp of air, she dropped her face beneath the water, holding her breath.

She steadied herself, holding her body under the water by bracing her skinny arms against the tub, gripping the rim with her fingers. She began to sing the words to her mother's song in her head._ I love you so, I fear you so>>_

She wanted to breathe already, after just one verse. Her eyes focused on the gentle flickering of the lamplight across the room, as she began the second and waited to find something that she couldn't name.

Alexsei's face, hovering above her, suddenly obscured the light. Her eyes widen at him in shock, but still she held herself under the water, more determined than ever to finish. Distorted and wavy through the water, he watched her, his eyes more suited for an archangel than his cherub face. Her hands gripped the sides of the tub tighter, turning her thin knuckles white with the force. She felt herself being drawn back to the surface, pushed up unwillingly by the water. She closed her eyes in concentration, shaking her head back and forth under the water, trying to distract her body with the movements, as if she could make it forget its need to breathe. She opened her eyes again to meet his. Black. Not her brother's, but familiar. _I see the flame of victory in you / My poor heart burned on it_>>A fountain of bubbles erupted from her mouth and nose. Coughing, rubbing at her face, trying to clear her eyes, she sat up, splashing water out onto the floor and her brother who still stood gapping silently at her, confusion clouding his eyes.

Trying to bite back the stinging tears mixing with the bath water that streamed down her cheeks, she narrowed her eyes and glared at him. "Get out." He just stood there as if she hadn't spoken. Ignoring the horrible burning in her throat and nose, she yelled at him, this time in Russian, "Go away, Alexsei!" Then she threw in a word she wasn't supposed to say, one that she had been punished for saying before.

His sharp intake of breathe at her words let her know that they had had her desired effect. Hurt flickered across his face for a moment before he turned from her and ran out of the room.

Alone again, Iris started to shiver. She carefully got out of the tub and dressed.

As she walked down the hall to her room, she paused in front of her brother's door. She knew he was crying, that he was just as frightened and alone as she was. Her lower lip quivered and she fought the urge to cry again.

As quietly as she could she slipped into his room and tiptoed over to his bed, following the sound of his sobbing.

"Alexsei?"

He didn't answer but she heard the covers rustle as he turned away from her.

She crawled into bed with him, curling up around him and drawing his back to her. She draped her arm over his small form and tried to find his hand with hers.

"I'm sorry, Alexsei."

Forgetting her mother's warnings once again, she whispered to him in Russian, began to tell him what she remembered of a story that their mother had read to them once.

She smiled down into his hair when she finally felt his fingers tighten around hers.

They whispered to each other, hording the words of their mother tongue, like so many of their other secrets, until they drifted off to sleep.

To Be Continued . . .


End file.
